Messy Mummying's Motivation

Hi, so this is me. Mummy of 1 gorgeous girl, 4 furry people and 3 feathered, plus 1 Mr Perfect.
My sister encouraged me to start this blog and I kicked it off on Instagram a couple of weeks ago to see how I felt. Thats where she started so I figured that was good enough for a blogging novice. A couple of weeks in and I've gained almost 100 followers! Which frankly amazes me. But the best thing so far is how much it has helped me personally. I mean it's caused me to break my new year's resolution already, but hey ho. I'm now on my phone more rather than the tricky aim of "less".

It's not getting followers or finding tinternet fame or anything like that. It's helping my mental health. Im sure most people would say that the internet and blogs and everyone's "facebook fake" life is bad for your mental health and I would agree. It was trashing mine!

Let's go back to the Pre-E days (that's my daughter, not any kind of crazy drug). I spent most of my life being academically pretty good, then pretty good in my target driven job in Animal Nutrition.  I always had a grade or a target to achieve or atain. Always.
Just over a year ago my world changed forever, for the better, a squillion times better. My daughter came into the world  (eventually) and suddenly I had a new role, I was someone's everything and she was mine. My world. Our world. The world got brighter and I suddenly found my calling in it. To be Mummy. I give my all to being mummy. My everything, it's all i want to do in this world and i haven't returned to my old job as we decided that I would stay at home to raise E, rather than go back to work.

But this is where i started to struggle. See E is incredible and doing so so well. Her development is rapid and she is so clever and a total joy to be with. But i hit an obstacle. That  "facebook fake" world, the mummy judging from the outside, from other mums, the media and every other possible channel; got to me. I started to find i was having a lot of negative thoughts, feeling like im failing and not doing a good enough job. Failing E, failing hubs, even failing the dogs. It seemed silly, i knew E was doing really well and hubs didnt expect everything to be perfect at home. And the dogs had been walked and fed and loved. But i still felt i was failing. A passing comment that meant nothing i could turn on its head and interpret as "thats my fault", "im so rubbish". My guilt fairy was on my shoulder and constantly bothering me. @hurrahforgin depicts her perfectly in her book.

Eventually it reached the stage that hubs suggested i chat to the doctor. I almost backed out, almost. My NCT friends came to the rescue and after tea and cake, packed me off to my appointment. And it was great! I couldn't have asked for a better, kinder response. I know mental healthcare is poorly provisioned and poorly understood, but my Doctor was incredible.
He made a really interesting observation. "Most mums i see with this kind of anxiety were academic or target driven before they had their babies."
"You always had a benchmark to tell you how well you are doing, that doesn't exist in the mummy world and so you grasp about for it in your head and look at the internet for it."

That was it, totally it. I suddenly had a light switched on and understood myself, how my head waals working. He said it's not postnatal depression as such, but postnatal anxiety. He referred me for cognitive behavioural therapy which apparently often helps those who are evidence based in their learning...like me.

My therapist had me write down my self doubting thoughts when they occurred as well as a percentage of how bad they make me feel and how much i believed them. Later i have to document evidence for and against that thought. Mostly i can never actually find any evidence. And being a scientist, i believe something IF there is sufficient evidence. So it is teaching me to stop believing what my brain is telling me and start looking at the evidence.
Which brings me back to this blog and my beginnings in instagram.

This has been so helpful, posting photos of all the activities i do with E, all the things we get up to. It isnt showing off. I'm not trying to be that "facebook fake" mummy. Im battling my guilt fairy, one piece of photographic evidence at a time.  And if along the way, i can use my love of messy play and the outdoors to inspire some other parents then that is fantastic.  But for me, its a wonderful new way to document my time with my gorgeous, wonderful, perfect girl...and prove to myself that I'm doing ok. 

If you made it this far then thank you.  I hope you'll read again and try some of the things we get up to. I will try to repost some of my instagram posts here.

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